Finding Light in the Midst of Grief and Pain
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From the moment we are born, our time clock here on earth begins ticking. For many during this difficult past two years, death, grief and pain have been brought to the forefront of our daily lives. Death is not a pleasant subject for most, and is often filled with darkness, however; it can also be a beautiful thing if we look at it in a different LIGHT!
Four years ago, we lost our first grandson. The pain I felt for that loss was the greatest I’ve ever experienced. It felt so wrong, and as a mother watching her son grieve the deepest sense of grief imaginable was just as hard. It seems so wrong for a parent to have to bury their child, and even more difficult for me was watching my son have to bury his firstborn child, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to ease his pain. They say the first year is the hardest. Looking back, I recognize the stages of grief that I personally experienced - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Some people experience these in this order, some do not. Some get stuck in one stage longer than another.
Even four years later, as my phone sends me memories of pictures taken in years past, and the pictures of that sweet tiny casket bring back ALL the emotions, I’m still not sure I have accepted this great loss.
I believe in my Heavenly Father, and His Son Jesus! Without the comfort of knowing and believing in an eternal plan, I don’t know if I could have survived this loss. What I didn’t expect, was my total breakdown a year later. I thought I had dealt with the different stages of grief for the most part, but what I soon found out, is that I had buried them deep inside, and when those painful, gut-wrenching memories came flooding back in a year later, it was more than I could deal with. My family thought I had lost my mind, and that I needed medication for mental illness. What I REALLY needed was to bolster my understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and accept the reality of a life that was taken much too soon. Our sweet Kai was obviously one of those special spirits too pure and too good for this earth life. He came, he got a body, and he received his pass to go back home early. What an honor it is to be his grandmother. I can hardly wait to meet him again, and get to know what an incredible man he must be!
I did seek help from three different licensed therapists. And I read all the books they suggested, and tried my hardest to do the things they told me would help to heal my heart. As we have now just passed his four year birthday, I will say that time does help to heal that open gaping wound in our hearts. But in the same sentence, I must add, I will ALWAYS miss him!!! As I see other children who are the same age, I can’t help but think of him, and wonder what he would be like if he were still with us. I picture him with wavy light brown hair that in the summer time takes on the blonde highlights of his dad. I imagine him to have gentle, kind, big blue eyes full of wonder and Light!!! And I also think his favorite color is blue! I imagine him being a BYU fan, even though his parents live in a house divided – dad is BYU, mom is University of Utah. ☺ We will continue to recognize his birthday and send him a card in the mail with money for his mom, dad and two sisters to go get an ice cream, with a prayer they will feel of Kai’s presence with them that day. We do the same for Christmas. We set a place for him at our Thanksgiving table, and express our gratitude for the blessing he is in our lives.
I continue to seek for books that will help my heart accept this loss. I will mention two that have brought me greater peace and comfort than any I have read so far. The first is called “What’s On The Other Side” by Brent L. Top, available from Deseret Book Company. I LOVED this book because it brings LIGHT to a subject that is so often dark. It brought me peace and comfort that no other book had brought me before. It was recommended by my longest and best friend in the world who has experienced death and loss at a level far greater than most of us will ever know. She suggested this book to me, and it changed my life!
The second book is a new one just recently released. “Lemons On Friday”, by Mattie Jackson Selecman. Mattie is an incredible young woman who unexpectedly lost her husband, the love of her life, just three weeks before their first wedding anniversary. Mattie is the daughter of Alan and Denise Jackson, of country music fame. She is an incredible young woman who has made her own way in life, deeply seeded in her Christian faith, and doing good things to bring Light and serve people every day!
We never know what tomorrow may bring. Hug your loved ones harder, tell them you love them every chance you get, say you’re sorry, and forgive to be free. On our grave marker it will have the year of our birth and year of our death, with a dash in between. That simple dash “-“ often represents years of experiences and choices that make up the amount of time we were blessed with on this earth. When we wake up each morning, may we ask the Lord “What would you have me to do today? Who can I serve?” May we look for ways to lighten someone’s load. May we share our Light, even when it’s not easy. I promise, as we do these simple things, and put our focus on others, our own burdens will be lighter and our days will be brighter.
Love Ya, Les ☺